perception

i really should be studying right now, but i just had so much to say. okay, not really so much, but more like something really pressing to say. to record down, so that i won’t forget my thoughts. i’m a really forgetful person.

who ever said that if you think that it’s wrong now, it’ll never be wrong later?

you’re so lost in your own world that you don’t even know what you’re missing,

or what you’ll miss in the future.

what did you think you were saying?

saying that you were restricted in the past?

saying that so now you have to break free to do anything you want?

yes right.

if you were restricted in the past,

why would they give up on you?

they wouldn’t.

they would still be controlling you the way you don’t want to.

and now they gave up on you.

because you’re uncontrollable.

because you’re unrestrictable.

saying that you can be now free to do anything you want,

and thinking that it is the best thing in the world,

is just being naive.

because if you were free to do anything,

you’ll be experiencing negative liberty,

that would actually put you even further away from true liberty.

without control,

there can be no freedom.

because you lose control.

do you really think that there’s nothing wrong?

of course there’s nothing wrong.

there won’t be anything wrong to what you think and believe now.

because you don’t see it happening.

but i do.

we do.

one day,

the people you think are important to you,

will eventually fade away.

they cannot last forever.

and it would be too late.

because the only people you should consider important,

will no longer be there with you,

to share your pain.

but then again,

if they are really that important,

should they be there all your life?

and so you think.

people get tired.

people drift apart.

even people you have been with for all your life,

have a limit to their patience.

but you still think people you know for what,

5 years of your life are more important?

oh yes.

of course they are.

but will they still be there when you need them?

some may be.

but will they be there forever?

no they won’t.

will we be there forever?

i want to.

but,

you’re not letting us be there.

so i guess,

it will be too late for regrets in the end.

don’t say that you know now that you will have no regrets.

because it is impossible,

and just because,

you don’t know what you’re missing.

i’ve experienced and learnt.

from one time.

but how come you never did?

i don’t want to ever turn out like you.

spastic

why do you hate me so much?

i feel tired. very very tired. this life is not made for me.

never has and never been.

know it all

what an unlucky day.

my little cousin stays at my house during the day.

she is seven months old.

i love her a lot.

she is very cute.

but she managed to flood the house today.

when she’s only seven months old.

i am impressed.

i wonder what she will do to beat this record.

wow.

and i realised the power of physics today.

she flooded the house when she removed a pipe from my dad’s fish container.

so one side was on the ground, and the other in the tank.

water flowed out and the house was flooded.

the power of physics.

maybe i should consider taking physics as a h3 subject.

it will be cool.

flickering eyes

oh wells. today i saw this super cute guy on bus 60. really really cute. i mean, after seeing him, i finally got what js says by “eye candy”. she always tells me that guys are good for “eye candy”, but not good for relationships. i finally understood what she meant today!

the guy was really super “eye candy”. haha! i bet one can stare at him for the whole day. but oh wells. eye candies.. are good for looking but not good for eating. so oh wells. it’s really a surprise that i’ll see this guy, and i doubt i’ll ever see him again, cause i was going home at an abnormal time, and from a different bus interchange. sigh… how sad.

i appreciate aesthetic beauty, and like looking at pretty things, so this is really not a big deal. but the ultimate eye candy is still edison chen, wahahaha.

but this is still so not me. but then i realised that the brain is actually not a very impressionable thing, cause even though the guy was very cute, after i got down the bus and another few minutes later, i kind of forgot how he looks. and my brain started a distortion of his face and i really could not put the face together again. frightening right?

… it’s so weird how we’ll remember things like, “oh! i knew the show was really good! but i can’t remember what it was about already…” which is exactly like what i’m experiencing now. the guy was cute, but i can’t remember what he looks like anymore. but oh wells, it doesn’t really matter, cause i won’t get to meet him again.

maybe the brain has a kind of mechanism which deals with your pain, and removes these pictures of people that you won’t meet again, so that you won’t go on thinking about the person. that’ll be cool, cause we’ll never have fantasies, ever again.

stones discarded

met my father after school today, not “met” as in meet coincidentally, but more like i called him to meet me since we ended at around the same time. and no, my dad is not studying. i like to call him to meet him cause he’ll always buy nice food for me to eat, but that’s not the only reason. most of the times, during these times, i talk to my dad about stupid things going around the school, philosophy and the world in general.

this time is very important to me!

anyway, so yes. after much discussion with my dad today about the world’s leader being money, we came to the conclusion that no, it was not money that make people follow bad guys or good guys, making them do the things that they want to do. it is more like grouping. “grouping” as in society, will be more encompassing and contains the different aspects of the different reasons why people would do things that they won’t want to do. i.e. bad stuff.

what makes people follow so loyally is actually their desire to belong to a group so that they are given protection and other benefits, which may not include monetary rewards. they believe that this certain person would give them the protection that they needed, perhaps from people that wanted to kill them? it’s kind of like a “brotherhood” thing.

oh, and we concluded that idol worship is just strange. it doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. perhaps, the potential benefits that they may reap would probably be marrying their idol? dreams after all.

i went: huh… pa, then how come you don’t want to belong to this bad gangs. they offer protection.

oh wells, uh, not everyone has people going after them with choppers, knives and parangs i guess. but then, i realised that a political leader is no different from a big boss in a gang. because they both offer the same thing. protection for the people. just that one’s legal and the other’s not. so normal people without people going after them with choppers, knives and parangs would go for the legal ones.

oh wells. it’s kind of like a sad world, seriously. talked a little bit more about social contract and ended up making my dad and i confused, so i stopped the discussion about that topic. haha.

human nature?

follow the world

i watched a really weird show today – it was called “qi ge xiao fu xing”. basically, it showcased 7 kids fighting grown ups to protect a diamond or something. it was extremely freaky though, cause the 7 kids could fight so well, and they kind of did all the stunts? like jumping through windows and stuff. but the show was really lame cause all it did was show off their fighting skills. haha. but i must admit that it was funny. because it was lame. oh wells.

anyway, with all these bad guys shows, it never failed to make me think about how and why these bad guys, who were the bosses, had such loyal followers. it was like “don’t they know they’re doing bad stuff for their boss?” what would make them do it? does it mean that their bosses have great charisma or something? why would make these followers actually follow their bosses faithfully, fighting for them with their lives and stuff? …

i realised the answer watching the lame show today. no one will ever have that great a charisma. only money. only money can make people do stuff that they don’t want to. they’ll only do it for money. money when given to one, can open the world up for one. so it’s the money which make people follow these people with money so whole-heartedly. as said by the chinese proverb, “you qian neng gei gui tui mo”, translated as with money, you can even make a ghost push some stuff. yes.

even if people of a certain country follow a political leader loyally, isn’t it all for their own benefits? hopefully the country will become developed and bring them better jobs etc. or maybe they’ll be able to win the love of their favourite political leader and reap some benefits. haha.

oh wells. it’s a practical world.

get some money.

you’ll be able to do everything.

or at least, most things.

going back to the past

it must be like, one of the most embarrassing moments of my life today. but strangely, i don’t seem bothered much about it, and i’m just taking it in my stride, thinking that it’s in the name of fun. maybe i’m really grown up now. haha. i must have gotten my 5 seconds of notoriety in front of the school, just when life in rgs is going to end soon. it’s a good thing i guess. the memories. haha!

this is how it all happened…

we went to rjc for matriculation day today, and the whole rgs population was present. thankfully, it was only the rgs sec 4 batch. so we were in the lecture theatre for some time, listening to the various speakers talk about the new jc system and life in rj. after that, they opened the floor for questions regarding aspects of rjc.

ki, knowledge and inquiry, is a new subject in the revised jc curriculum, and it sees to be notoriously difficult. i’m really interested in taking it, so i decided that i shall go up and ask the dean about ki. as in, in front of the whole school.

while sitting in my seat, i formulated all my thoughts and was all ready to get up to ask the question. i know that i have pretty disorganized thoughts, so it’s important that i form my ideas properly first.

i went up to the mike and…

grace was just beside the mike.

grace: ziLin! your voice so high you still want to talk into the mike!

at that moment, my thoughts all disintegrated into ashes or something and i just looked at her weirdly and started tallking into the mike.

then suddenly, i noticed that some people started sniggering…

hm. i wondered what went wrong.

then helpful simin: ziLin! it’s ki, not k1!

i was like.. oh damn. shucks. said the wrong thing.

and the whole hall erupted in laughter.

mr hodge, the principal, went: what is k1? … (in a joking manner)

me: *smoothly* k1 is a boy band. -.-

… sigh. so for the rest of the days, and my life i tink, my friends are going to remember me as the k1-girl, as aptly called by mr hodge.

oh wells.

but some of them thought it was a planned joke! haha.

through all odds

it has been a busy day, was quite disappointed with myself. i don’t think i was wrong though. if i was wrong, according to the people, i shall try my best and do anything that i can to show that i wasn’t wrong. because i know i’m not wrong. it was an obvious mistake on the part of the people.

damn pissed.

i’m really getting used to the apple ibook. it rocks like everything! besides a few settings. but it really does take time to get used to.. but it’s really quite cool though. haha! i like! so i say, apple is not user-friendly. quite true, but only initially. after a while, you’ll find your way around it. haha. oh, and the interface is really good. if only i could own one… i love ibook! (this is so random.)

lots of things to today, but i really don’t feel like doing them. not that i don’t feel like doing them, i’m all ready and enthusiatic to do the philo essay, but i want to do it to the best i can and that means pouring over tons of books and websites which are making my eyes go crazy. so i was wondering if i should do it according to my understanding.

but that’s not a good idea too, because there have been many instances where what i believe to be the explanation is not really an accurate explanation. i’m not very logical in that way. not like js, at least. haha. so i try my best to absorb all i can to make the essay better

to me, explanations are very important. sometimes, when my brother try to explain a certain science question to me using the normal and logical explanations, but i don’t really get it, or don’t accept it, i will always try to come up with an explanation myself which i can accept. even though my brother just thinks i’m crazy. like, why bother?

but after going for philosophy classes under the options module, what i learnt and gleaned most from them are not really the law and punishment aspects, but actually the difference between rationalizing and reasoning.

rationalizing is when you already have a certain conclusion, and you try to come up with explanations and theories of the conclusion.

whereas reasoning is the actual thought process where you go in sequence and make a conclusion from your reasoning. i guess reasoning is more objective in that way i guess.

but we cannot discount the practical usage of rationalization, because when we do the science experiments using the scientific method, it actually requires us to come up with an explanation as to why a certain event happened. isn’t that under rationalization?

but then again, if that is really so, doesn’t it mean that none of the explanations that we learn under science as to why a certain thing happens, is really not true? because we just assumed that if one thing happens before another event, they must be related and the first thing must cause the second thing. but if you examine this statement closely, it is possible to know that there is a logical gap to conclude that way. sigh, this world is so unreal. that’s something i learnt in secondary 3, and it is called causal reality.

but all in all, science and explanations of this world is just to explain the reality that we live in now which is important to our day to day lives. we cannot say “if all this things and the world may be unreal, why bother doing this or that?” because the fact is that whether this reality is really “reality” or not, we are experiencing this “reality” and we have to live with it to survive in it.

yawn. if only i could just write as i want to in the philosophy essay. then i will be very happy

but why do people want to survive in this society? what is it about this world that doesn’t make people like heck care about this world, and just float around? why don’t people just slit their wrists and die, so that they can know the truth? … are we really happy being in this world? do we really want to stay here?

or are we just afraid that after we die, we may find out that this world is a much more beautiful place than where ever we are going (if we are actually going somewhere)? because by then, it would be too late to regret.

or do we just believe that we have a purpose to fulfill in this world? have we found one? why is no one telling us the real purposes of their lives? to be charitable? and help other people? that what is the purpose of the people you have helped? to be helped?

or do we only realise our purposes after we are dead?

perhaps, we are just all afraid of pain.

-wow. i think ibook screwed up my paragraphing.-

hidden somewhere

today js and hiral said i was being totally random, when i wasn’t!

it just happened that we were walking back to class after assembly and i noticed the classroom which i always notice, cause it has a note saying “Please close the door behind you” note on the inner side of the door.

so yeah, i commented that it doesn’t really make sense in the first place, and the note was kind of redundant even though it’s written in such a huge font. basically, when you open the door, you look into the classroom, not back at the door you are opening right?

and this means that you will never ever get to see the note which is trying to tell you to close the door behind you. right. like, in the first place, if the door is behind you, why would you even see the note when the note is stuck on the door?!

…

maybe the note was meant to remind the girls in the classroom to remind the girl who’s opening the door to close the door. but that’s such a waste of resources still. i think it would have been a better idea if you put it like somewhere in the class.

or maybe it was meant to like tell you to close the door (very far) behind you when you get back to your seat, when you look back at the door you just came through. (even you ever look back.) but then again, i think most of us would be too lazy to go back and close the door.

or maybe, it was meant to tell the person who comes in after the “forget-to-close-door” person to close the door! that will be cool, like alternate close door open door thing.

after this short narration to hiral and js, js just went “do i look like i really care?” sigh.

haha. i wonder if that’s the common reaction. but to always just forget stuff like this is so sad! then no one will be able to see the common ironies in life.

i seem to be much more moody than before. lots of people have been telling me that. i wonder why. i don’t feel any different though. maybe it’s just the perceptions of others changing. oh no, i must be out of touch.

never say never.

patiently removing

a new hair cut represents a new beginning for me.

it has always been that way.

i got my new hair cut months ago,

when is my new beginning actually going to arrive?

it’s funny how people like to associate abstract stuff with concrete stuff.

i guess it makes us feel more secure,

to know that maybe, just maybe, we might actually be able to make meaning out of it.