high on pink

wahahahhaha.

i didn’t start work at macs today.

the store manager called to say that i shall start the next day.

… and so be it.

i think it’s cause she hasn’t retrieved the uniform for me.

she couldn’t give it on the first day,

cause they didn’t have my size.

no!

not because i was too fat.

it was cause the uniforms left were all the big sized ones.

good for my self esteem.

oh,

and i got my new phone!

happy

hot pink.

i like.

short on fun

i’m starting work at macs today! as in, at night.. only 1.21am now. according to my dad, i shouldn’t reveal so much about myself in my blog cause it’ll be very dangerous, you’ll never know if there’s someone stalking you. not like anyone will stalk me, but still.

so yeah, i can’t say which outlet i’m working at hahah. it’s in a central location, but quite deserted. oh wells. i’ve only been there like, twice or thrice? no one goes there..

yes. the pay’s pretty low, but i think i’ll like the atmosphere at macs, so i don’t really mind (: oh, and i’ll get free meals too! but then again, i really shouldn’t eat the food at macs, even though i love it so much.

cause i really, really, really need to lose weight.

my brother broke my heart yesterday after we went swimming, when he told me… “ziLin! so fat! fei shi le! must lose weight!” my whole world crumbled down on me. seriously, i did hope the weights might actually help me get rid of some fats, but obviously it’s not literal. oh wells.

my weight gain must be cause i stopped pe this year. my brother advised me: cut down on carbo. you know what, i think i have a better plan. i’ll just skip eating all together. how does no breakfast, no lunch, just dinner, sound? or no breakfast, no dinner, just lunch? i don’t really like breakfast, so i guess i won’t try the only breakfast thing.

sigh. i think i’ll just have to starve all my life. the worst thing is, i can’t run. running is a good way to lose weight, but i can’t do that. i tried running for one week, my kneecap went totally weak after that.(no pun intended.) so running is out. swimming is a slow lose weight process, but i’m still doing that nonetheless cause i think swimming is fun.

my brother then suggested walking home from some distance away. okay, this might actually work. i might just lose my fats possibly five years later.

is it really true that eating the main in macs and leaving the sides alone will be fine? as in, not make you fat and stuff. and vice versa?

oh wells. okay this entry is not turning out the way i want to. back to the point. after my macs interview, which was not much of one, i was informed that i had to get a typhoid vaccination! like, by today. so that i can start work tomorrow. (with reference to 10.00am on 29th November 2005)

okay, this is the part that i got really pissed. the senior staff nurse who was administering the vaccination to me was totally irritating. she talked to me like i was stupid. can’t stand people like that. i mean, how the heck am i supposed to know what vaccinations the school gives us?

hello, i’m not as no life as you to stare at my health booklet everyday. and you are the one who’s supposed to know, what’s wrong with me asking? what’s the big deal? so you know and i don’t know, does it mean that i’m stupid? it just means that you know something that i don’t, or don’t bother to know. big deal.

oh yes, she did bother to ask me whether i wanted the vaccination on my right or left, and when i wasn’t entirely sure what difference it would make and i asked her, guess what she said? “it’s your wish.” like right. that’s not even my question! when i asked her again, she said, “cause i need to document.” what kind of reason is “cause i need to document”!

and she didn’t bother to tell me that even though my arm doesn’t hurt now, it’ll hurt later and i should not have chosen my right arm!

and arm is different from hand, don’t you know? you’re supposed to be a nurse! a senior staff nurse to be exact anyway. argh. sigh. at least i was snapping at her as much as she was snapping at me. but i eventually stopped cause i didn’t want her to kill me with the needle or make it unneccessarily more painful. but actually it’s not painful. oh wells.

oh! something was even worse! after i left school, and i was sitting at the bus stop. i think i missed like 4 one-nine-zero buses! it was so damn hot at the bus stop. there was one instance that got me real pissed. i wanted to complain to smrt so much.

i was the only one sitting at the bus stop, and when i looked up and saw the bus approaching, i flagged as hard as i can and was secretly happy cause the bus was kind of empty. (cause the previous bus was so full it couldn’t stop at my bus stop.) what did the bus driver do? he drove past me. like seriously drove past me.

WHAT THE HECK?! i was at the bus stop for 45 minutes and he drove PAST me?! i wanted to scream so much. i didn’t. but i did swear. why pass up the chance when i was the only one at the bus stop. haha. sigh. so yeah i did swear.

but i accomplished much today! i made a video of xiu huan! just for fun. i think it rocks. haven’t got the chance to show her though. shall show her some other day.

macs, here i come!

living it up

i’ll be in malaysia from 21st to 25th

to visit kenny sia.

really!

no, really.

don’t miss me! (:

unfunnily, i don’t think anyone would.

but for those who will miss me,

tag at my board to provide some entertainment!

as in like “what?! you’re will miss me?!”

*incredulous look*

that form of entertainment.

haha

by the skin

oh! almost forgot. hehe.

thanks mr azahar for the cab ride!

WAHAHAHA. be jealous, grace. =P

but mr azahar is always late anyway.

learning from emotions

thank goodness i didn’t flare up today. i’m proud of myself for being able to control my emotions. (:

i was fuming, fuming so badly. i wanted to swear, send vicious messages and do anything i can to hurt her. because she hurt me so bad. my face was in a perpetual frown in the morning and i had to like adjust my eyebrows such that my mum wouldn’t get pissed off at me at my pissed off face.

i apologized for something that i didn’t know i did, or didn’t even do. or just don’t know anything about. and if she doesn’t want to accept the apology, then don’t. why did she have to make it worse for me? i really don’t understand.

but that’s not the point. the point was that i controlled my emotions. because i don’t want to end up like her. losing control of her emotions just because she was tired and flaring up at nothing. and yes, counting does work. and no, counting to 10 is not enough. i counted to at least 50 i think. i had to stop my hands from reaching for my handphone to send a vicious message.

sigh. after overcoming the anger, i was really down. like throughout the journey to school, i was like… quiet. staring at the ground. which is so unlike me. quiet during the briefing, letting everyone say whatever they want.

oh wells. i think people should forgive and forget easily. like me i usually like forget about stuff people do to me easily. at the start i’ll go “okay, i shall not speak to her forever, and ignore her” but it usually doesn’t work out. in the end, i wrote a sorry card. like how dumb can i get.

i don’t know what i did wrong, but since she was so angry, i might as well just do it and give in. she was never known to be much of a nice tempered person and her boyfriend gives in to her most of the time. i understand her, she knows that sometimes she’s not very nice to him and she hates her own temper, so i guess, i just had to apologize. someone has to be sane right?

but what i didn’t expect that the outburst was so great, and she never understood or realise that she was making a big fuss out of nothing. i was waiting for her to realise it before i apologized, but she never did. when i apologized, i expected an apology from her too. but it never came. i feel a bit short-changed, but whatever. whatever makes her happy i guess.

sigh. why would people want such good memory powers and remember how others have hurt them? wouldn’t it be a happier world if everyone was absent-minded? cause people will then not bear grudges. and no, it’s not true that you will then be unguarded towards evil people. these evil people would be absent-minded as well, and they would not be so scheming as to plan out evil long-drawn moves against others. yes. everyone will be much happier and at peace.

one might say that then impulse actions like stabbing someone would become common. but that’s not true, cause even if no one was absent minded, impulse actions would still be common. cause impulse actions are afterall impulse actions, no one thinks about them. i don’t think it would be relevant to memory power.

oh wells.

but then again, if there were no evil people in this world, how are you going to tell who’s good?

haha.

but why can’t everyone be good?!

that’s how the world works, my dear.

swear it’ll never go away

damn. i feel irritated. everything is so not going my way during these holidays.

oh. XH. i feel like stabbing you. stabbing you so hard!

why you go and tell mr jalleh!

AH! now i have so much extra stuff to do. and i’m already jammed pack tight enough.

i realised something really weird about this world today. how come when work is due, and you’re not done with it, the natural question will always be “has everyone else handed it in already?” or “am i the only one left?” i mean, what has the rest of the world got to do with the fact whether you’ve done your work or not? is it like, if someone else hasn’t done their work, so at least you know you’re not alone, and you won’t take all the scolding?

that’s really weird. recently i’ve been really irritated by this question, but i know that i shouldn’t be blaming anyone for it. because i do that all the time. in fact, most people do that. (especially if you’re in the singapore education system.) perhaps, it’s just the feeling that as long as there’s someone else who’s as bad as me, i’m safe. like really, really safe.

when the fact is that you’re not! this is just dragging me down further.

i mean like, what the heck. maybe i should just tell everyone, “yes!!! you’re the last one!!!” then maybe they’ll buck up.

AH! i feel like i’m scolding myself. why can’t i stop doing whatever i hate people to do. it just reminds me of how “procrastinator-type” i can be.

oh. i’m reminded of something else too. there’s something else i discovered too. no offence to anyone by the way. i realised that people are very scary. this is with no regards to things like how people appear one way but are actually another, but more like when someone tells you that he/she doesn’t like someone else, it’s really scary.

like it’s especially scary when you have never noticed it. the phrase that struck me today was “you can’t expect me to tell it to her face, ‘eh! i don’t like you! get out of my life now.’ right?” oh no. this is so revealing! but sorry, if the person who said this reads it, i’m just taking an example! really no offense.

i just can’t help but think… “does this person hate me too?” oh no, so difficult to find out. she won’t tell it to my face too. so is he/she just talking to me for fun? am i being stupid?

haha. okay, i’m really being stupid. but don’t you think it’s scary? like… it’s so circular. kind of.

sigh, gossip is scary. very scary.

i think i just thought about quite a number of pointless stuff.

i wonder why, in life, it’s really difficult to get what you want.

oh, i just remembered that i decided to take youth group boss at central singapore cdc’s advice today. he told us, write your goals down, and tell your friends about it. cause when one day, you forget about it because of so many other things you want to pursue, your friend might ask you again, “so, how far have you gone?”

that reminds me that my bro asked me that before! haha.

okay yeah, my goal is to be a deejay. apparently they have a new name now, and no, not the kind of “scratching disc” deejay, but more like the radio deejay. it’s a weird ambition, and i can think of a thousand and one people who think that i can’t, shouldn’t or wouldn’t make it.

but so what? i want it and so i’ll try for it.

oh. but i thought to myself today, i want many other things too, like convertibles, the best food, big huge houses, a class hospital beds (if i need it) etc. how am i going to get them if i’m going to be a deejay?

hm.

good question.

i’ll think about it while sleeping.

stop living your life for others.
they have their own lives to live for anyway.

relations with each other

it was just about 3 or 4 days ago, adeline and i were commenting to wy about how we are amazed at how devoted she is at writing reflections, and how i really dislike writing reflections.

wy is just amazing, she writes like reflections for everything (okay, maybe when it’s required.) but when reflections are required, she can go crazy writing reflections that no one else will write as much. she thinks it’s fun. i definitely don’t think so. she was kind of like, “what? don’t you like to write down your thoughts and stuff so that you won’t forget them?” something along those lines.

huh. duh no. if those thoughts were meant to be remembered, my brain will naturally remember them, like memories you know? haha. i like reflecting, thinking about what i’ve done and stuff, but i definitely do not like to write them down. it’s like sitting in front of the computer, thinking about what you’ve done and typing them down! where’s the fun in that? i like the mental arguments that go through my head and definitely will not type fast enough to write those down and plus, who writes down mental arguments when they’re reflecting anyway.

maybe it’s just cause i’m like the ideas kind of person, and dislike putting things down in concrete sense. like typing or writing reflections. i like to think think think and imagine, but to put them into action… nah, too lazy.

but of course, reflecting is important. very important!

but something wy said struck me that day. (yes, the whole lot before was kind of not the point.)

she said, “isn’t your blog like writing reflections?”

… eh? at first i was quite convinced. like, yes, really! a blog is like writing your reflections! but how come i like writing in my blog but not like.. word document reflections?!

… hmm. then i realised that my blog is not really reflections typing, but more like talking. like i’m talking to someone else, and i’m talking to my blog now. oh! i’m talking about talking to my blog. oh! i’m talking about me talking about talking to my blog. okay, that was a bit off tangent.

and i can actually write whenever i want, and whatever i want.

i really don’t like writing reflections. oh, the weird thing was, after wy asked me that question, i really did stop blogging for sometime. i wonder why.

just like there’s such a thing as ai wu ji wu, which means.. uh. i love the house so i love the crow on the house. [literal translation] can there be hen wu ji wu? like, i hate the house so i hate the crow on the house.

hehe. that would explain why i stopped blogging cause i don’t like writing reflections!

okay, maybe not. i’ve been busy these few days. very busy.

oh. and i was thinking about my past year. this year, 2005. i realised that i learnt a lot about myself. and there’s so much things i have to change. i really want to kick my procrastination habit. i want to kick it so bad. it didn’t used to be so bad, but now, it’s like totally killing my life. i’m like lost somewhere in the jungle because of my procrastination, just narrowly making my escape to maintain what i was supposed to have by just a mere narrow margin.

for a moment, i spelt “mere” as “meer”. oh gosh.

and i really should stop blaming my personality for such bad habits! it’s just crazy to go… “oh, it’s the way i am”. like who cares?! as long as you are doing the wrong thing/bad thing, it’s not going to help much to say that.

sigh. why can’t i be made perfect already. haha.

i just realised that i’m doing a lot of reflections in this entry.

ah! i know why i don’t like to write normal word document reflections. cause once you do one, you have to do it regularly. even if you have nothing to say, you better squeeze something out to say. if not, you die. just like physics reflections.

and i just realised that this entry is very boring. haha. i must be reading too much kennysia.com. but who cares, it’s my blog, for my reflections! haha.

oh, and… eh? i forgot. shucks!

watever is a conversation killer. totally. it’s just like something js would say. haha! ok, joking. but i say it all the time too. [as seen from my badge] but i’m different. i take the effort to say something new, sort of like a remedy to saying “watever”. that shows that i’m nice.

but no, wy, i’m not pr.

my life seems to revolve around very few people. but never mind (:

pop, please get well.

pop, please stop hurting.

pop, please be like you once again.

we need you.

the roles are stuck

…

i cooked today.

i actually cooked.

i must admit that it was quite fun.

but i still won’t want to cook normally.

but too bad, i’m going to be forced by my mum to cook and observe her.

wonderful life.

i officially dislike cooking.

wanton mee.

sand threading through that tiny hole

the last official school day in rgs.

uh, right. it’s kind of like yesterday, cause it’s already 12.36 now. but never mind, my body clock processes early mornings as still part of late nights. haha.

it was a totally cool school day though. what was totally weird is that i dropped my school badge in class, and garima did leave it in the cupboard, but i totally forgot about it until i was on the mrt after class lunch. it’s uncanny, the coincidence, losing my school badge on the last day of school in rgs. it almost seems to represent the fact that i’m leaving rgs! sigh.

but it’s not true that i won’t be going back, because i have a jam-packed holiday schedule which would require me to return to rgs periodically. haha.

power 98, ronin band and westgrand boulevard came to our school today (: it’s part of power 98’s school invasion, which i didn’t find particularly interesting since i would always shout “perfect 10!” whenever they ask “which red-hot radio station is bringing all this to you?” and “your favourite power station is…?”

but i thought suewei looked pretty cute from far, but seriously, if you go closer, she looks kind of weird with too much make up on. oh wells. oh! i got a power 98 goodie bag. which is totally propaganda since all that was inside were a power 98 polo shirt and a power 98 car decal. right.

westgrand boulevard. hmm. okay, seriously, i didn’t think they were that hot? and i think people are kind of weird to be clamouring to touch singers/guitarists/whatever when it’s the first time they have even heard them? i mean, can you totally appreciate the package and music that comes with it with the first song that they play?

i really don’t think so. if i had my way, i would think that the girls trying to touch them was just trying to live up to expectations – they are a rock band, so they must be cool, so we should touch them. if i had my way, i would even take it as an insult! you’re not touching them because they’re really good and you really love them, but more like it’s granted, because they are a rock band!

how insulting is that.

and personally, no offense. i think westgrand boulevard is more of a band with “sit back, clap politely and smile” music. there was really no need to jump up and down and pull their pants and try to shake hands with them. they just looked like they went high on drugs, whenever they sing. so yes, clap politely and bop your head to their music.

wahahah. and in my honest opinon, i think ronin band was much better. much more worth to prance around to and move closer to. yes, sure they were lots of screaming, but that’s what a rock band is supposed to do! and ronin’s music is definitely not “sit back, clap politely and smile” but more like, jump to it, move your bodies to it and sing with them!

i mean, hello, obviously they’re much cooler. and the lead singer definitely knew how to act like a rock band lead singer and interacted obviously better with the audience, doing whatever a rock band is supposed to do.

but i draw the line at trying to touch the guitarist. seriously, no. no. no. no. he is not cute. he being shy does not make him cute either. i think it’s probably more of the guitar playing which is more impressive? hm.

but then again, i’m more of a “what music do they play?” person than a “are they cute?” person. but! i will definitely try to shake edison chen’s hand! haha! he is definitely worth it. definitely definitely.

at one point of time, the ronin lead singer even had to say, “i actually have to wear my pants to continue singing, you know?” that is just too much. haha.

oh! and class lunch’s food was good. but less than half the class turned up. sigh. but they missed out! dahai, dajiang and gao jimei of tong xin yuan were sitting on the table across us! wahaha. and this part was totally weird.

obviously denise and co. took pictures with them at the start and we continued eating our food. balpz finished really fast and was asking us whether we want ice cream. i was like “wave, wave” to say that “no, i don’t want”.

terence chao, who was sitting across us, which means. uh. i was sitting facing terence chao, but there are 2 rows of people between our 2 rows. my classmates faced me, but dajiang who was sitting opposite dahai, had his back to me. yes. and terence chao saw me waving and i think he thought that i was waving at him. cause he had this really bewildered look on his face. i was like totally “oops” at that moment, and decided to give a loud shout to balpz “no, i don’t want ice-cream!”, which was really strange. but i just wanted to reinforce the fact that i’m not waving at him!

oh wells. i told mel huang and the rest of the people at the table what happened, and mel huang said, “oh, that’s why you’re behaving so weirdly.” haha. i didn’t even know it was that obvious, cause it was kind of like only a split second thing.

oh. and i ate my favourite buloh/puloh hitam or black glutinous rice or hei nuo mi or “or-cheok” (: and the lady infront of me dropped her 2 dollar note into the server’s pot of boiling “cheng-tëng” which was totally smart. and the worst thing is that the server couldn’t find it even after like stiring the desert with a ladle.

yuck. the 2 dollar note must have disintegrated or something. thank god it didn’t fall into my favourite dessert, or else i would have been really sad. haha.

i wil miss you, rgs.

rocks piling up

i went fishing today! after so many years. haha, there were so many things going wrong at the start, like the reel spoiling because of lack of usage, and the hooks not being able to go through the holes in the rod and stuff. oh wells.

but everything was fine after the preparation. and i caught many, many, many fishes! tiny and small ones though. my parents and i really caught the attention of these two small little boys who kept hanging around us, asking my mother, “auntie, you catch fish already?” and “why you must…?” and “why you have to…?” and “why is that thing…?” they were really cute! kept staring at the fishes that we caught and screaming excitedly. haha.

the bad thing was that their mum kept telling them not to ask so many “whys?” and everything. yes, i know it’s only polite that her kids don’t ask strangers so many questions and make them irritated, but i think she was kind of like too harsh. in my opinion, parents should never stop their kids from trying to question, because if they keep getting scolded for asking questions, they will eventually stop asking and stop trying to question knowledge that they know of this world.

and that is very bad!

haha. and i was feeling really guilty about fishing in front of them, because it’s like telling them that killing small animals is okay. when it’s really not. but i still like fishing, it’s more of the excitement of catching a fish. sigh.

contradicting myself.

as usual.

oh wells. we did throw one fish back! uh… because it was kind of like too small. and it had the potential to grow bigger, so my father decided to throw it back. haha.

judgement is really difficult.