the two dashes

finally letting go.

i seem to be acting differently from what i said a few entries back.

things changed a little,

cause of the circumstances,

and i relented.

but i guess i understood that sometimes,

things really can’t be the way you want it to be.

or how someone else wants it to be.

back to square one.

i was just wondering,

a few days back,

how do i stop something that never started?

how do i break off totally?

quite impossible it seems.

but now i think,

it’s not going to be so hard actually,

cause eventually,

there’ll be someone else waiting.

Leisure by William Henry Davies

What is this life, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheeps or cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty’s glace,
Watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich the smile that her eye began?

A poor life this is, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

going straight to your mouth

ah. council camp is over.

20th anniversary for my dislocated kneecap too.

wy and js – i miss you two a lot!

haha.

so random.

but don’t know why, just felt like saying that.

except that js won’t appreciate it anyway =P

sigh.

it’s all a matter of floating

we had a surprise ambush from the councillors today, when they decided to tell us that the council elections results would be out by 1 pm today. as in, tuesday, 18th April, today.

the thing was that, balloting day was just like, yesterday.

but anyway, i was really quite freaked out cause i was already quite convinced that the chance of me getting into council was quite low, especially since i don’t think my campaigns really made much of a difference to the school population. so yeah, i was quite decided that i probably would not get in.

hm. yeah, but in the afternoon, i received news in the lift from wang jue that i was successful. this was really quite shocking. okay, how many times have i said that, or meant that? (at this point of time, i would like to bring up what xinyang said – it does not matter what he said, all we need to know is what he meant. imperfections of language, i guess.)

nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise. i think i am not one who would be able to handle rejection well, so it was good that i was successful in my attempt. i am amazed that i have actually got so far, from nominations, to interviews, to campaigning, and finally voting. it seems to be a really long journey, that i was so afraid to embark on from the start.

i did not have the confidence in myself to get past the campaigning stage, cause campaigning for myself is definitely out of my personality. i am just, not one who can promote myself i think. but yeah, i think it hardly made a difference.

after the council elections results were out, i was talking to preston and a few other people. and preston said that he did not even know that i was running until he saw the entire list of people on balloting day. in short, he means that he did not notice my campaign group’s posters, nor did he notice our tiny orange pieces with our logo around the school.

hm.

i think the thing was that my campaign group mates and i hardly used our pictures to campaign at all. in fact, we only had one picture each, and this was placed at the free expression boards, which no one went to visit anyway.

and the ultimate – kenneth said that i did not campaign much. okay, if kenneth says something like that, i should trust him. so i guess the campaigning thing was why i lost so much confidence in myself in the last week. i was utterly convinced that there was probably about, 1% chance that i will get into council? cause everyone used so many special stuff, serviettes, stress balls (?), anagrams, gloves, all sorts.

my campaign group… we tried to be different, but we fell back to the traditional methods much i think. we made plastic bags with our names, but no one wanted to use them. our calendars were possibly, given out on the last day of campaigning. and most of them were probably given out by the rest of my campaign group. the thing was that, we had small circular stickers with our names written on them. we each had 5 pieces i think, and each piece has about 40 stickers. so in total, i had 200 stickers with my name.

i think i gave out, less than 20.

gosh.

i’m very happy that kenneth got into council this time round. (:

really, i am.

perhaps the one thing that i will regret would be not given the chance to lead lion dance as part of the exco. i really do love lion dance. we might be small, but we are so bonded! i love it as a cca, and i want to be the one to effect change to lion dance. but now, i do not think my lion dance mates would want me to take on that responsibility.

sigh.

anyway, alwyn was telling me about how there was this china guy who randomly voted for me. it is really very cute! so apparently this china guy is in alwyn’s pe class. and today, after they had their napfa, alwyn was at the council elections results board by himself, just checking out the names. (this sounds wrong.)

and then this guy asked, “who is sim zi lin?”

[the question might be rhetorical.]

but alwyn told him that i’m in his class and so on, and asked him,

“why did you vote for her then?”

the guy said,

“… her name looks okay what. so i vote for her.”

haha! it is really funny. this vote is really random. but then, i still feel really honoured. cause out of 125 names that were left, my name was the one which was chosen! (: it must be fate. so yeah, i told alwyn to keep a lookout for him so that i can thank him, even though he did not mean it, i guess.

oh wells. i got my pw groupings today. i think my group rocks! everyone in my group is really contributive and from what people say, they are the type who will complete their tasks on time (: so even though we are really quite different people, it will still be great!

thanks everyone, every vote mattered to me.

thanks once again.

i may look like this and that

went to school early in the morning for pre-u seminar discussion, but i was stuck outside the school’s back gate cause they conveniently lock the gate on weekends.

oh please, they should know that being hardworking rjc students like us, we are likely to spend our weekends in school too right? why do they still lock the gate? that’s like the only gate to access the school for many people living in the east!

sigh. so eventually i had to take something like a 1 km hike around the perimeter of rjc to walk to the front gate cause like, the entire rjc is fenced up. yeah. and i wasn’t really that keen on climbing over the fences cause i think wangrui got scratched when she tried that and one might be caught on one of the security cameras. yeah, so i walked around the school and the construction sites, and inhaled many funny smells at the same time too.

oh wells. anyway that’s not the point. i mean, not the point to this entry.

i was thinking today about how as globalization occurs, there is shrinking of distance between people, but we seem to be get more distant instead. there seems to be a lack of community spirit, and many of us don’t even greet our neighbours, much less know their names.

whenever i discuss our neighbours with my famiy, it will mostly go this way –

“you know right, the insurance guy? yesterday his car got flooded.”

“huh? which insurance guy?”

“you know right, the one the wife is air stewardess one?”

“but but air stewardess most of the time cannot see what! have two sons is it?”

“no! that’s the yakult guy. the insurance guy has a bmw.”

“… how i know which car the person drive…? does he always pick up litter?”

and so on…

the common reason seems to be that we are too pre-occupied with trying to earn our income, and many things to think about. we have to satisfy our own needs first before we even bother about other people. so i guess, no more gotong raya, kampung style.

however, i think there are still many other reasons for this. i was wondering about something really weird today.

it is like, ever since we were young, adults have always told us,

“don’t talk to strangers.”

it is like if we talk to any strangers, we will then jeopardize our safety and we might actually be kidnapped or something! but being the young kids as we were, how were we supposed to be able to tell the difference between a “stranger” and a “neighbour”? as long as we have never said “hi auntie/uncle” to a neighbour, the neighbour will always remain a stranger.

as time goes by, we grow up, but we will still not acknowledge our neighbours, since it has already become a habit of ours. i mean, can you imagine how your neighbour will react if after ten years of treating him/her as non-existent, you decided to go “hi auntie/uncle!!!” all of a sudden? for all you know, your neighbour might just think that you are hatching some weird scheme to scam him/her.

hm… i guess that’s why we become distant even us the world seems to shrink. i think the word is distrust. anything might happen, and we will always want to safeguard our loved ones from any danger. i guess it will not exactly be possible to tell kids to now say hi to strangers. that will actually be quite dangerous, wouldn’t it?

are we actually sacrificing something for something else? how do we deem what is more important? community before self? hm. seems like it is not that way now though.

oh wells.

but still,

don’t take candy from strangers.

let me calculate for you

“got thing to give me?”

“no, nothing. why you always ask that?”

“huh… cause i like to get presents what.”

“…”

…

…

…

“this is my present to you -

time.”

pushing one away to invite

yay! i’m very happy today (:

cause kenneth was damn nice to me!

haha.

hm.

after lion dance performance, i went to get some food from the ora carnival cause i didn’t even have breakfast. actually, i don’t know why i went to buy food when there was obviously free food at the reception in the canteen. but never mind, the money for ora is for a good cause right? (i hope.)

yeah, so anyway i went to get food, and got seriously irritated by someone who was following me around for no reason at all. i mean, i didn’t even ask you to follow me!

it’s like, the image of you sticking to me in school all the time is already enough, and i don’t like that kind of reputation. i don’t believe in such stuff, and it is very bad that people around you and me still insist on saying things like that. it’s not just simple teasing, it is something that is so suspicious. and i really don’t like it.

argh. never mind, i shall stop thinking about this. anyway, i decided to escape from all that noise and crowd, so i went to level 6 to eat by myself. but then the classrooms were all locked, which is quite duh, so i wanted to go to the library to do work. and on my way towards the library, i met kenneth and chi hung discussing stuff about their campaign!

(and a helpful person kindly told me that the library is not open to students today.)

haha, so i sat down at their table! but i promised that i’ll be really quiet and not disturb their discussion. yeah. then later, after they were done, i realised that kenneth lives in serangoon! as in, just remembered. eh. is this very dangerous for him? revealing his address on the web. ah but never mind, i don’t think anyone would want to stalk him. so i made him wait for me and take the bus to serangoon together!

haha. oh wells. not a big deal. but anyway actually kenneth wanted to have lunch at somewhere near his house… serangoon gardens i think. and he tried to go down like, 2 stops before mine! not like i knew which stop was mine, but he said it was 2 stops after. haha.

but i said, “kenneth, don’t go!!! i’ll get lost!”

haha. and he really sat down. apparently he doesn’t like to eat at serangoon central i think. and then he really walked with me all the way to the door of my tuition centre. haha! okay, i think maybe he took it very seriously that i’ll get lost. oh wells.

nonetheless, i think that kenneth is really nice. (:

as in like, really to the door!!!

okay never mind, i think i’m really making a big deal out of this.

but kenneth is still really very nice!

haha. (:

yay. i’m still very happy!

when you’re not winning

oh, i realised that my previous entry is not much of side note.

ah. and the keyboards at the school computer labs are the type that i like to use!

the kind which i can go on typing and typing forever,

cause they make lots of noise and the keys rebound back.

but then again, it’s not like the keys in other keyboards don’t rebound back,

cause that would mean one would not even be able to type

“the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.”

yeah. cause all the keys will be stuck already.

oh wells.

so i guess i like this kind of keyboards.

cause one can actually feel the keys pressing in,

and it’s just a nice feeling.

ah. random.

actually i wanted to blog at the class blog,

but i suddenly had a mood swing and decided not to.

cause the entry that i had in mind was supposed to be one which is funny,

and i wouldn’t be able to portray such a feeling with such a mood swing.

yeah, so i’ll leave it to next time,

since my blog would take negative feelings pretty well i think.

anyway,

things are changing.

haha.

just a short period of time.

i’m glad i didn’t exactly commit myself,

so it’s easy for me to escape.

even though i grew dependent on it,

i think the dislike for it is even stronger than my dependence on it,

so yeah,

it becomes pretty easy to run away.

maybe not run away,

cause it’s not much to run away from,

but more like walk away.

cause i don’t care.

actually it’s quite good,

i can see things from a distance once again.

my view of things is no longer clouded,

cause whatever that is happening is not happening to me.

haha.

i think along the way,

i lost my ability to observe.

to be detached,

just like js,

and observe all these funny actions that people are making,

and what they actually mean by these implicit actions.

i think i have the opportunity to do that once again.

maybe it is cause omh is always so detached anyway.

haha!

ah, i think i’m easily influenced.

oh but then, i don’t think it’s actually that i’m easily influenced,

but that’s my by default behaviour.

so i’m more inclined towards it i think.

and it’s something that i want to have,

and not lose in times of confusion or too much attention.

hm.

after saying all this, i actually feel much better.

yay.

welcome,

mugger ziLin,

welcome,

detached ziLin.

time for a new world of your own.

hey, but this new world still includes the people that are still important to me (:

you’re the can

i was just wondering, how long would it take to get tired of something? an object, i suppose. when you first encounter an object, you might be filled with anticipation about discovering more about it, and interacting with it.

but after some time, i guess one would feel that one has uncovered sufficient knowledge about that object, and it’s not really novel anymore. is that where the decline happens? is that when one starts to feel tired of it? i don’t think there’s actually a link between finding out sufficient information about that object and getting tired of it, unless the missing assumption is that everyone loves new/novel/innovative/creative objects.

does one move on after that? abandon that object, and move on to find out more about another object which interests one? it would make perfect logical sense i guess, it’s like a production line. people usually move on when they are done with a single object.

but the problem comes in when that object becomes interesting to another person, and one is unable to imagine how so. ah. time slice. but anyway, i guess one would feel quite… weird, cause one is unable to conceive of that one thing that one has missed out which has cause the object to be interesting to another.

hm. so should one return? but it doesn’t seem fair, since one has already moved on? but i guess one would feel that one has not collected sufficient data about that object, and that incompleteness might be adequate reason to return?

somehow, this reminds me of induced fit model of enzymes, but i’m just digressing.

but anyway, so what happens to those objects that would remain compelling to one no matter the period of time? is that even possible? does it just mean that one will never be done with collecting data?

uh. does it necessarily mean that one should create or be objects that are constantly changing, constantly innovating and constantly recreating? this would maximise the attraction between one and another object.

hm but then again, there are times when one knows the object relatively well, and has sufficient data, but continues to enjoy attraction at the peak. are this then, the so called favourable stable environments?

oh and i just realised that it might be possible that the decline actually occurs only after one has discovered one potential piece of data which overwrites all interest in it. that might be one possibility too.

“if he/she wants to stay with me, then he/she should accept all that i am.”

it’s hard to strike the balance between re-inventing oneself and maintaining a stable environment i guess. hm. i think each has their own pros and cons, i shall not be bothered to elaborate with them since i have a ki summary to do. but yeah, i think there are two main thoughts in this entry. and many sub-questions too.

i think i might have got a bit confused after a while between “one” and “object”, but one should infer that there is no difference between the two terms. okay, obviously there are, but the object can refer to the self as well.

yes. wow, i think i was quite carried away.

filching it away from you

today is 404 day.

i feel great! (:

just wanted to create this day as a remembrance for 404′05,

really proud of you guys.

haha.

even though it was hard work for me for one evening/night,

but i think it was really worth it.

after seeing all of you gathered around one bench in rj,

singing a birthday song for 404,

smiling,

sharing your milo puddings with one another,

exclaiming over the heart-shaped balloons,

carrying them around the whole day nonetheless,

taking photos,

i think it was really worth it.

even with the monetary cost.

i guess,

the enjoyment of 404 overwrites everything!

hm.

had a good chat with yikai in the library today,

reflective chat with omh on the bus,

interesting discussion with xinyang on msn.

though it wasn’t exactly finished.

ah,

not bad,

one step closer to my goal.

(: