the gold streaks in your hair

i’m thinking that i’m too tired to blog nowadays. anyway my little cousin is stil as cute as ever (: haha actually have cuter pictures of her smiling super happily, but i decided to put this up cause have my sister and brother!

it has been a long time since my entire family went for breakfast together, because we love to sleep in! (except my dad and mum) but my little cousin so big shot, we all got up early to have breakfast at her favourite mac-nor-ner. hahaha. and then we bought like a new set of clothes for her (5 bucks only!) and so we went home and took many photos of her in the new clothes. haha, the new clothes are the ones she is wearing in the picture.

on a side note, i wonder why some people have a fascination about how people think about them. others will definitely raise objections and say “no, i don’t really give a damn about what others say!” but i still feel that in some way, we are still curious about what others may think about us, and why they feel so. sure, we might not actually take these comments to heart, but that does not stop us from feeling curious about it. somehow or other, we want to know what is the image that we portray to others, whether it is close to what we envision, or something completely different.

i shall try to elaborate on that next time, some day. if that day every comes. i am too tired now, it is time for brainless tasks. haha.

on the other side note, i think it is getting quite awkward now.

sigh.

hope i get a nice buddy!

zeyan time travel ep 1

video!

LOL LOL LOL

flip the hair, it’s covering your face

released.

and i ask -

when was it that my feelings were so strong,

and why has it gone away?

yesterday perhaps, taken over.

the flaming done

Rene Descartes is on an airplane, and the stewardess asks him:

“Would you like a beverage, sir? Coffee, tea, a boilermaker perhaps?”

Descartes ponders, stroking his beard.

“I think not.”

…and he disappears.

sometimes i think, then again

j2 common tests are finally over! i think as the a levels get nearer, the stress about exams is getting higher. but it stops there. the stress about preparing for exams is supposed to go higher, but it does not seem to be that way for me and i think it is time i start. oh wells.

oh and i think today is the first time that js wy and i didn’t go for a feast at pizza hut after our common tests, cause i had a meeting, and then i had to go down to pathlight. initially i thought i was just going to stay for a while and then go home and rest, but knowing me, i just could not resist the kids. so i stayed till uh, 5.30 pm. i probably love pathlight more than like some of the pathlighters themselves! haha. i helped out in some of the p.e. classes, captain’s ball cca and aikido! and i managed to catch up with quite a number of the kids that i interacted with last year. (: happiness.

yay anyway i am glad that the common tests are over, cause it means my favourite things are just going to begin! radio rjc is going to happen like really soon if all goes well, and youth for autism (yfa) is about to begin!

talking about youth for autism, i am working with the two hottest most eligible j2 bachelors in RJC! wow. and obviously that’s none other than…

*drum roll*

ky

and

daniel ong!

oh my god oh my god. well for the uninformed, ky is the mighty canoe captain, and daniel ong is the chairperson of interact in rjc! like what the heck – i am uh, vice-chair of lion dance! cool.

(by the way, their hot and eligible status was not decided by me!)

aren’t you girls jealous?

wahahahha. but then again, there’s nothing to be worried about, especially since i will not be able to steal any of them away from the hordes of girls in love with them! (not that i am trying anyway)

the thing is the aggregate luck of daniel and zi lin placed together = -10^gazillion, and ky is well, ky. according to jia hua, “the morale of rjc seems to be brought down by a level because ky has chosen to stay single!” i was like riiiight.

and so i had this crazy idea the day before for our posters – i was going to draw 2 guys and a short girl (me, like duh.) and then i was going to leave only my number for enquiries and not ky’s or daniel’s AND leave the sentence “hot guys do not reveal their numbers”. i mean like, then it would be so easy for all the girls interested in them to get their numbers even without trying to pick them up! that’s too much of a bargain right? and needless to say, it was shot down by massive actions of puking by daniel and ky today during our discussion. haha! (:

oh yep so anyway due to the wonderful natures of our most eligible bachelors, they are going to leave their numbers on the board AFTERALL! so get ready to flood the boards on monday!

the meeting i mentioned earlier, was the meeting i had with daniel and ky after my physics paper. so the 3 of us were standing at the front of the canteen, staring at the coolios pathlight banners and wondering how we were going to display all our information. it so happened that i was standing in between them. then wang came towards us and i asked him, “do i look like a dwarf standing between both of them?” wang gave me a puzzled look, and replied, “you look like a dwarf all the time!” after joining the 3 of us, he ended with the comment, “now you’re more of a dwarf with 3 tall people!”

asdlwmrqpmg2341`!~!##!$vsfonvwefm,31$!@$%. yeah.

and i was listening to ky tell daniel about their history paper, it was so weird/funny when ky went, “it’s okay if you want to play it safe, but i went to MENG NAN all the hard questions!” at first i was like, huh? then OH MENG3 NAN2! it sounded quite weird coming from ky i must say. i guess it’s mostly due to the chinese diction, but i think it was also weird that a MENG3 NAN2 was calling himself a MENG3 NAN2! hahaha.

oh and then the funniest thing that happened in pathlight was that when i asking sean (one of the kids i taught last year) whether he remembered me, he replied, “yeah of course i do!”. but that’s not all – he went on, “but you grew SOME pimples since i last saw you!”

325m2309vjwjlkvmslr!#!~#~42,vsopgj243523mlkm. yeah.

haha i was definitely not angry with him, i was in fact really amused. in the “normal” society, even your close friends may not even say that to your face. it is like the feeling that we should not embarrass our friends and like just leave them to be. and when you go to pathlight, you learn to appreciate how frank and honest kids and people can be, and how everyone would love it if people were that way most of the times. the important thing is that they are not trying to embarrass you. no one worth your time would ever try to achieve that, besides the fact that it is highly bo liao for the person who tries that anyway. yeah. anyway i tried to ask sean about advice on treating my pimples, but being a 11 year old kid, he could only tell me to go to ntuc at hougang mall. haha!

yeah anyway when i was at pathlight, i heard some horror stories about some of the volunteers who helped out at the previous sports camp coming from RIBs as i could not manage to gather the group of j1s that i hoped to. so my supervisor had to approach RIBs about getting the group of volunteers needed for the sports camp. i guess i will not really talk about what happened here, but i only have one thing to say.

in my opinion, if you want to be a volunteer, be ready to put someone else as first priority.

yeah i guess that’s about it, it sounds easy, but may prove difficult for some people actually.

happy day today, and if ky or daniel reads this entry i think i am going to get slaughtered! haha (:

slowly peeling off your skin

i was having lunch with lossy, jl and vd some days back and today i suddenly remembered that i made a passing remark that was quite interesting. okay not really suddenly, but more like i have been thinking about it for quite a number of days. haha.

anyway, i cannot really remember what we were talking about then or what i exactly said. cause conversations with lossy jl and vd are like probably more nonsensical than like one hundred of me talking to another hundred of me put together. so obviously i will not be able to really remember what we were talking about anyway. haha! i remember playing little fighter 2 though! and lossy telling me the proper keys to press for julian! and then i won jl! yay. oh yeah i think at a certain point of time, we were talking about relationships (as in joking style, not girls gossip kind.) and i think i said something along the lines of “i don’t think i’m going to have anymore…” it was kind of supposed to be a quiet comment to myself, and not like contribute to the nonsensical conversation then, but i think jl heard and asked, “why? disillusioned ah?” then i was like “ya.” without any further elaboration. haha though i think the lack of elaboration was either cause i think i probably said it before already, or cause jl would probably give me one of his “do i look like i care?” phrases.

and in addition to that, my dear lion dance junior peixuan gave me a totally shocked expression some weeks back when i said that i am not going to get married. from her reaction it seemed as if like i said something like i’m gay or something. (which i’m not!) she was so interested about why i would decide something like that and kept asking “why! why?!” throughout our journey towards the food court for lion dance dinner. but i think i did not give her a satisfactory explanation, but oh wells.

anyway, thinking about what i said during the lunch with lossy jl vd, i think the answer “ya.” was quite vague. in my opinion, i believe most people would think that the “ya.” would probably mean “ya, disillusioned with guys.” but when i thought about it again, i probably had meant “ya, disillusioned about myself.” haha.

but i must clarify – no, i am not disillusioned about myself in the way that i have a lack of self-confidence or self-esteem, but more like disillusioned about the way that i handle some things. to put it clearly, i do not think that i can go into a relationship because i have learnt more things about myself. and the most important thing i have learnt is that i do not know how to treasure. when one does not know how to treasure, or cherish, then one should not, and cannot, go into a relationship. cause such a relationship will have to end eventually, of course! and the ending would not be amicable, but rather it would be burdened with pain. from the start to the end, it would feel like a downward slide all the time, until everything ends and back to square one. and because i wake up and realised that i only treasure things that i have lost, naturally it would lead to more pain as well. why face this pain when you have the choice?

sometimes, i think about what people say about how it’s not about forever and beyond, it is about now and the present. and i think to myself again, the other person is free to create another now and present that may lead to a forever and beyond, while i continue to have great friends that i will never take for granted – i do not need another relationship to give me that happiness that i already have and can get.

feelings are irrational, huh? i don’t know. i don’t think anyone would ever know. but to me, i know that there are feelings that i can’t stop from appearing, but i also know that every feeling that i have eventually ends; a phase. so i wait, time will eventually steal it away from me. and when that happens, i will not even know it, until i think about it again – and wonder – when was it that i had that feeling so strong, and why has it gone away?

and then, i know i will never do justice to a relationship.

“it doesn’t matter that you only love me a little bit, because i love you enough for the both of us.” – alice, in monsieur hire 

banking on this

many times, i thought about my nick, and why it says “hi! i’m zilin!”. a long time ago, when i placed it there, it was because it was my standard way of introducing myself. but as time flies past, i realised that more and more, i kind of grew out of that introduction… maybe it’s mostly the same, just without the exclamation marks.

but then i thought about other people who had names on their nicks too.

and i realised that it has been a long time that someone has asked me “who are you?” on msn. with the exploding contact lists that people have on msn, i guess it is a common thing to forget some of your friends nicks and emails if you do not talk to them frequently.

but i think it does matter to some people that they are remembered, whether the subject in question is a close friend or not. if it does not matter to anyone at all, why would people who “forgot” who the person is (msn/sms) never fail to give a sheepish “sorry, i kinda forgot who you are…”? seems like most people like it when they are remembered, even just the name is fine.

which brings me back to my point that maybe i am perhaps subconsciously insecure, since placing the introduction on my nick would prevent things like people admitting that they cannot remember who i am. and perhaps it is exceptionally embarrassing when i message someone excitedly – meaning that i obviously remember the person – yet find out that the person does not know who i am at all.

sigh. i guess it would save the trouble of enlightening others about who i am anyway.

oh wells, i watched monsieur hire on tvmonde – french channel on starhub.

it was really good and i cried like crap. even though i only watched the last half of the show, the feelings that the show invoked were so strong. it was really really really good. i wonder how i can watch the whole show.. maybe the school library has it. that would be good.

flakes they will

ki common tests this time is finally over. but of course after the march holidays, there would be another week of common tests anyway. looks like j2 year is really going full steam ahead, as said by buddy, after the common tests are over, it will be like days you have never experienced before.

sigh. i hope it is not going to be as bad as i imagine, especially since i am a person who really needs her rest and relax time. and my family time. sometimes i really wonder if it is worth giving up my time with my family (such as going out for dinner or barbeques etc.) just to complete my work. as a student, you study and do your best. but when is it ever going to be a time when anyone is going to be a “family person” and spend time with your family?

it seems as if family has become one of the “sideline” things that will never be the focus of anyone’s life. unless you become a house domestic engineer (gender neutral!) i guess. it reminds me of the kind of sand and rock experiments to teach people priority, and family seems to be now part of the sand that is trickling down the sides.

i hope it never becomes like this, but as people grow older or at least reach the teenagers phase, they we start to think “hey, i’ve been spending so much time with my family for 1000 years, and it is time to like go out with my friends till 4 am. they are really great fun, unlike my parents who sleep at 10 pm.” (for the record, my parents probably sleep at 2 am like me, lol) it feels quite saddening actually.

i think about one of my friends, and the concept of family does not even seem to exist, and spending time doing activities with his parents is not even remotely possible. but in his case, i don’t think it’s really a choice made by himself. oh wells.

anyway i went for a steamboat with my family at marina bay yesterday! my dad decided to attempt making his famous scrambled eggs on the barbeque part of the steamboat. haha, but my dad’s scrambled eggs are usually quite good, no surprise since that is the only thing that he knows how to cook. 

but oh, we found out that barbequed scrambled eggs are not the best tasting things in this world. (: i took a video!

the scrambled eggs look really gooey! but it was not really bad tasting, it was quite alright (: 

the rain took you away

someone mentioned during ki class that he read about how men tend to overestimate the number of their past relationships while women underestimate the number of their past relationships. i thought it was quite interesting actually.

perhaps i thought it was interesting because after school today, i met one of my sln juniors in the canteen. and the thing was that somedays back when i asked one of my og-lings whether he was together with her, he actually said, “yeah, sort of” in a very frank manner. so anyway i was asking the junior whether she was with my ogling, (i didn’t even mention his name!), she gave me this incredulous-shocked look and was like “who? i’m unattached!”

…

so i was quite confused. maybe i mixed the two girls up, but i do not think that is possible cause well, i see her around him most of the time, and i think i am actually quite good with faces.

yeah, so it seemed that men tend to overestimate the number of their past relationships not to inflate their ego, but seriously sometimes, the two people just do not seem to know what is going on. more often than not, the guy thinks he is in a relationship with the girl, while the girl had never thought that way! i think the reasons behind that would be quite interesting!

in contrast to this, it seems to me that girls tend to read more into actions then guys. like girls would perhaps go, “oh my gosh the guy loves to bully me, he must be interested!” (typing it out just makes me go LOL.) when the guys obviously just think that it is really funny to insult or make fun of girls. and in this case, i think it is over-romantic-fantasizing on the part of the girls, or simply too much meteor garden.

oh but i think the wildly-reading-signals-syndrome in girls would probably stay under covers most of the time, and that is very different from guys assuming that they are in a relationship when the girls do not think so. well cause in the former, girls do know very well that they are undergoing major speculations, while in the latter, guys just… uh. take it as a fact. yeah.

so anyway as for why the first-mentioned scenario often occurs, i do not really know the reasons, but i guess it is somehow related to a common belief among teenagers.

and that is the answer to “how do i know if he/she likes me?”

our ever practical teachers say – ask, and you will be answered. (like what the heck, i am sure anyone is going to do that. unless you are maybe 99% sure of your success?)

and our ever idealistic peers say – you just know! like signals and dropped hints.

and so i am contradicting myself. crap.

well yeah, so more often than not, the moment guys pick up a single hint, that is it. they are in a relationship. (of course, since they find it difficult to pick up hints right. so if they pick up one, they will definitely read everything into it.) and for girls, hints are like common things that are fun to speculate about, yet hints do not have the power to confirm a relationship.

oh wells. i thought this situation is quite interesting to think about, especially with the advent of blossoming relationships among my og-lings and j2 friends. i guess maybe most of the time it would be good to follow your teacher’s advice – ask, and you will be answered.

haha golden rules man. then maybe we will not get inaccurate results in the social sciences cause now girls and guys see eye to eye (:

pompom.