the door opens inwards

zr is leaving soon, sigh. haha i think i kind of got used to having zr around during lessons and stuff, and then whenever i have like questions can just discuss with him straightaway. now he’s leaving, i shall have to start consulting my teachers, which is going to be such a bother. well. ”VÙ•sŽU”V‰ƒÈCi shall be happy and wish zr all the best for his studies in us. considering that most of my breaks (study type, not lunch type) are usually with zr or by myself, it is soon going to be study breaks myself! haha i shall concentrate.

anyway. i cut my hair! like really cut cut – not trim. haha i think i must have heard like 15 “oh my god!”s today and like maybe seen 25 puzzled looks and 100 “hahaha!” or something. for the record, it is a nice haircut! most people said so. (: haha anyway i like my new hair. most of the time at least.

actually i think short hair even harder to maintain than long hair. normally long hair i do not even need to comb it, just tie up then okay! but short hair i have to keep combing it, and then there seems to be a lot of stray strands popping up when the wind blows. that never does happen with tied up hair. oh wells, perhaps i’m just not used to it.

oh and i realised something! a lot of people like to go “you cut your hair?!” and i like will not know what to say cause well, duh. isn’t it obvious? hahaha! after a few questions like that, i decided that my comeback should be “no, no, i’m just wearing a wig.” but i never got to use it cause i think quite mean to say that! haha besides i think when people say that question, they most probably mean something else like “hey you look different, i noticed!” (as provided but js), or “why did you cut your hair?” (as provided by me) but instead they say ”you cut your hair?!” cause it is more like a immediate reaction that makes sense.

i do go “you cut your hair?!” sometimes. but most of the times i go “what did you do to your hair?!?!?!” which kind of is like a “duh, i cut it” answer too. oh wells. next time i shall say “why did you cut your hair?” straightaway. it would make a lot more sense! haha cool.

great i love my short hair! (: i didn’t actually cut it cause anything drastic happened, it was more like i wanted to go to my aunty’s hair salon for a trim, then since i was going there anyway (my sister sent me there by the way), i shall cut my long hair off! it was a spur of moment decision! some time back i wanted to cut my hair short too, but then my brother told me that it would not look nice so i decided against it. but this time SŒŒ—ˆ’ª, so i heck care my brother and decided to cut it short! i think when i was in p3 or something, my mum forced me to cut my long hair off (it was really long, like waist) cause i did not dry my hair before going to sleep, i really cried like crap. like she cut and i kept crying. but this time i didn’t cry at all! haha this time i was thinking that it’s just hair what, no big deal. cry for what? if not nice then just wait for it to grow back. hahaha.  

i think at times i kind of miss my long hair cause it’s nicer to touch and stuff, but it’s okay, i’m loving my short hair too (:

oh but someone kindly pointed out today that it is empirically proven that guys like girls with long hair. seliyan agreed when i asked him during chem class. ohoh jay chou also, if i remember correctly. haha! but then again big deal. haha not like i actually intend to get married, so that means i don’t have to get a boyfriend – meaning i don’t actually have to have long hair!

fun fact – joe cheng (from ‘it started with a kiss’) likes girls with short hair! great! haha.

and it flew out under the cap

whoever said cooking was therapeutic,

he probably needed a real therapist.

i just managed to cook up a storm for my parents – i made carbonara minus the bacon minus the ham plus the saugage for my dad and mum. well uhm i think the taste was alright (my dad said so, my mum doesn’t count cause she doesn’t like italian food. in fact she doesn’t like any food except for chinese. considering she didn’t say much and just ate, it was a good sign! and and all of us were feeling full before i said i was going to cook – we were full, that’s why my mum didn’t cook.) but yeah it is always that way with cream, the longer you took the eat it, the harder it is to eat it cause the cream makes you feel so full and the pasta gets hard and the cream and pasta gets cold. so heh my parents kind of had leftovers. but it is okay! the above mentioned reasons meant that they didn’t finish it not because it wasn’t nice.

anyway i managed to burn the sausages cause i forgot to put in the oil and the fire just refused to start for me and halfway through the cooking in the pan, the chopping board collapsed and my pasta fell into the sink when the sausages were burning and it was time to put in the pasta. i turned off the fire on the burning sausages and tried to salvage the situation. and then the fire refused to start AGAIN when i had salvaged the situation. it was so embarrassing that my mum had to come and salvage the situation this time and see all the burning sausages and stained pan.

okay not all the sausages were burnt. really!

right uhm well yesterday my brother cooked for him and me so i had to wash up. today i cooked for my parents and guess what? i had to wash up too! obviously i am not going to ask my parents to wash up. anyway i think my mum has it tough. she cooks and washes up everyday. cooking and washing up (as a entity) is really such a chore. but i shan’t be ambitious and say that i shall help her wash up everyday cause well, i don’t like washing up either. i shall help as much as i can!

i feel so tired after cooking.

it’s not therapeutic at all.

seriously.

maybe i just didn’t have anything to be heal.

ah wells.

the machine

argh life without bubble tea sucks man.

i haven’t had bubble tea for 10 days.

i wish i separated

it has been a long week, sigh. fell sick on wednesday with fever and i basically displayed almost all the symptoms of dengue fever. well dengue fever symptoms are somewhat like normal fever symptoms, but i had never experienced all those symptoms when i had normal fevers in the past. i had a gigantic headache, nausea, joint pains, diarrhea, coupled with gastritis which made my tummy hurt like a hell lot. actually i had been having indigestion for like 3 weeks or so before the fever on wednesday, but it so happened that the feeling worsenened like many folds when i got the fever.

so anyways my parents sent me to A&E and i was made to wear a mask cause i had a fever. it was so wth! cause there was like this “fever patients waiting area” and “non-fever patients waiting area”, but when i went in there were no seats available in the “fever patients waiting area” so i went to sit at the payment section. when i sat down with the mask, then the guy beside me stood up straightaway and walked some distance away and continued his waiting. it was quite demoralising.

i shan’t even bother to elaborate on how horrendous the waiting period was at the A&E, except for saying that i reached CGH at 9.14pm and i reached home at 2.30am. somehow i think people with fever should not go to the hospital cause even if you have dengue they will not be able to do anything so they will just put you at the lowest priority, meaning that you will just see the doctor last regardless of whether you came earlier than the other patients. after seeing me, the doctor just concluded that i am suspected of dengue fever and gave me an imba mc till monday.

even though i am feeling better now than last wednesday, it was just a bad week cause even up till now i do not feel so good actually. everyday gives a “i don’t feel well” feeling. yeah and by the way, you can only tell if you have dengue fever if you go for the blood test on the fifth day after getting your fever cause your platelet count should drop below 80 000. i no longer have a fever, so i didn’t take the blood test. most likely it is not dengue, but i have no idea why this time i had a fever that lasted so long. normally my fever subsides in about a day or so. not like 3 or 4 days with the gigantic headache that refuses to go away.

but the most saddening thing is that the doctor said i have gastritis (actually i have no idea what is that) so i have to stay away from many kinds of foods forever or something! i can’t take spicy, sour, oily food and i can’t take caffeine. initially i thought “okay i don’t take coffee, so that’s okay!” but then after some time i realised that tea contains caffeine as well and that meant no bubble tea forever and ever and ever.

argharghargh.

i haven’t had bubble tea for 8 days.

the leaves are getting raked up

found this in xinyang’s blog! made specially for those who said they never heard of the saying “comparing apples and oranges” when i wrote about how it is obvious that they can be compared! cool (:

have not really been writing for a long time, i was thinking that i do not seem to have the flow that i used to have when i was writing maybe one or two years ago. it seemed much easier to write then, cause i would be able to just write coherently by typing out everything that my thoughts were thinking. but now it seems to be that everything is always muddled up and i have to go through everything in my head before i can write decently.

maybe it is just that jc2 life is here, and nothing much happens except for mugging and more mugging. i hardly get time to explore the philosophy topics that i used to enjoy so much in rg, and the ki topics that we did in j1 were more fun, maybe because we had the luxury of time to spend on exploring the topics fully. now we just rush through the contents, and i hardly have enough knowledge to think about the new topics in my mind when i am not doing anything. so maybe that is why i would not have much to talk about.

we are still in the midst of getting back our results, though my grades so far are okay, i would not say i tried my best cause well, i obviously took other events as my priorities over mugging. i would say i tried hard when it came to the time when the things i wanted to do were over, but by that time, there was no time left. sigh. and yes, there is seriously room for improvement. the crunch time is here and i have to be really focused, sigh. buddy was so shocked and naggy when he knew that i spent my june hols at pathlight (thanks vd for informing him lol -.-”) and yes, i think for the sake of my own goals and my aspirations, i do have to put in much more effort than i have before. just got to get through this period and i shall have the choice of doing everything that i want!

there is so many things i have yet to complete and since i made the choice to handle all this things together, i shall have to be determined enough to follow up with the decision i have made.

talked to chin nam in the library again today, he is really one easy person to talk to, haha. we talked about why some people just don’t seem to fit in, like why the things they do seem to always turn people off and everything. yeah, but sometimes i just feel that it is like a vicious cycle. sometimes people, including me, cannot help being the way they are. sometimes they react in a certain way because they are being excluded, yet, their reactions seem to repel them further away from the group. even though i do not see the immense importance of really belonging to a group or whatnot, i believe there are people who see this as integral to their social well-being, and if they do not have a group to belong to, it implies that they are well, weird or socially inept. afterall, no man is an island, and i do not fault people who deem it important who believe that to be a complete person, they would have to fulfil the criteria of belonging to a group.

but then, even though most of the times it is not easy for us to accept people who act differently from us. i will be the first to admit it. i love my kids a lot, it is strange that they are almost the only ones who have differences that i can accept and celebrate easily. there are many instances in my life when i just could not understand why some people around me (i.e. in mainstream) act the way they do that cause people to not accept them into their group. and i do admit, there are times when i get irritated by their behaviour. that is why it is so strange, cause i never ever get irritated by my kids. perhaps maybe i feel that these people are doing it on purpose or something. but that does not make sense either, cause after long interactions with them, it is easy to tell that most of the times, they cannot help being the way they are. they are trying very hard to fit in, but no one seems to give them the chance too. i am not preaching, cause i think i am very guilty of this fact myself. i have been telling myself that i got to be more open, but it just does not seem to come naturally when i interact with these people. everything comes very easily when i am with my kids, but for the mainstream, yeah it is strange that it is not as such.

perhaps it still boils down to the “clicking” concept. i hope they eventually find the group of people that they are comfortable with, and find it easy to talk to them instead of trying too hard. oh wells.

then again, i realised that sometimes it might not really be the person’s fault. it might not even be related to the person’s behaviour or things like that. it is just that the people that you have the most contact with are just not your type of people, due to perhaps a unfortunate concept called random grouping of classes. i think if i did not have wy and js to share most of my lectures and breaks, i would probably just like.. be antisocial throughout jc or something. i guess we cannot be lucky all the time, since i met the best bunch of friends in all my 4 years in rgs. haha (: or maybe i am not making enough effort. jc life is so short, it is flying past already, sigh.

haha okay anyway i just contradicted my earlier point about not having the flow cause i am already starting to ramble. there’s the psc civil scholarships and career talk tomorrow, so i shall stop thinking bout this conundrum.

hi, it’s been long.

the memories weren’t exactly flooding back

just something i did for wang’s scrapbook project, haha i think i must be the most overdue entry or something. oh wells!

the something!

the route never travelled

had a long talk with chin nam and yan an today (: haha guys always seem very interested in why some girls don’t intend to go into relationships! well, even though i still insisted on my point after the long talk, i must say they did enlighten me more about myself (even though they said they wasted their breath haha). it used to be more of a vague kind of concept when it comes to why i do not intend to go into relationships, but after talking to them i realised more about my expectations and how they lead to my eventual conclusion about relationships.

yes i do admit that i would want a 偶像剧的恋情, like which girl wouldn’t? but precisely because i know 偶像剧的恋情 is already an unreal concept that would never happen in real life, i do not want to waste my energies pursuing it. chin nam says, “so it’s all or nothing?” if i cannot have my żÏñ¾ç, then i am not going to have anything? even though it is put across so crudely, i would be inclined to agree with it.

is love a necessity?

actually, the whole 偶像剧 concept just makes me feel like an airhead. which i am not! i know that it is unreal. yan an says i should make my filter wider -.-” an 偶像剧 filter is equivalent to placing an impermeable “thing” (it’s not a filter since it’s impermeable right?) such that there is not even a possibility of a relationship!

is there a maximum capacity to it?

maybe one day i will grow up. but maybe i am not the one who’s childish. i am the one who knows that love is such a difficult thing, sometimes if it is not right one, then the whole process will just be futile.

maybe i am just guarding myself.

i forgot to tell the two of them something very important – why is it impossible? cause i don’t deserve a 偶像剧的恋情. that should cover all ground. haha.

whatever it is, it is not the right time anyway.

on a sidenote on other matters,

i am really so worried.