chocolate tongue

tough decisions to be made and so many concerns. it always seems to be a struggle between what we want and what we need – it does not seem very often when what we need is actually also what we want. then comes about the even tougher decision, when you are torn between two conflicting wants, and neither that you need.

i wonder how people usually make decisions. does anyone actually do like a cost-benefit analysis? life is too short for that, it seems to me. i make snap judgements and decisions all the time, and this time too. once again, i made my decision right when i was bathing. i guess i do think a lot while bathing. yes, i am not afraid to admit that though i often make decisions quickly, i mull over them again and again and again. but no, i am not reconsidering my decision, it is just that the decision that has been made just refuses to get out of my mind. and of course, i do think about what are the benefits or consequences if i had made the other decision. but rarely would i change my decision. 

it seems to me that we are often told we should stick with our decision once they are made and look forward, because there is no point in thinking about it since we cannot change what has happened. it almost seems to the point that if you look back and consider what could have happened if you had made the other decision, you are a weakling. perhaps because you do not have faith in your convictions, or perhaps you are deemed a wishy-washy. but for me, i do understand where these people are coming from, but i feel that we might just be over-reacting. i simply consider looking back as a mere thought experiment, and the fact that it is an impossibility for us to know what could have happened makes it very much more interesting to think about.

i guess it is the same way as how i earlier wrote that if i was ever asked what i would change if i could live my life again, i would say “everything”. not because i am disappointed in my life (very much the contrary!) but because it will be UBER COOL to know what would really happen if the other decision(s) were made. obviously, reliving once would not be enough cause there will be billions of permutations of decisions to be made. 

well anyway back to the earlier point, obviously we probably should not be obsessive over it. all things in moderation, no? this also kind of reminds me of the fact that i lost 10 bucks of my payout of 15 bucks in xlab today because i decided to bet the 10 bucks in the gambling game. oh wells. 

so. in other thoughts, today i was having the conversation with joy about the smell thing that i could have written about in the past. but i do not quite remember if i have written about it before. but in the nutshell, it is my realization that i have completely no ability in recalling a smell (think “chlorine”) or a taste. this is no simple recall, because i am not merely trying to get a recollection of the context of it, and also not like your cognitive label of this particular experience. for example, if i say “can you recall the smell of chlorine?”, i am not asking you to recall the memory of where you smelt it (“oooh yeah like the swimming pool?”), neither am i asking you to recall your feelings towards it (“yeah i certainly do remember, it smells really icky.”)

what i am really looking for is the exact smell of it. it works very well if we talk about vision. if i say, “can you recall what an orange look like?”, an image of an orange would immediately pop up in one’s mind – vivid and exact. it is like seeing the real thing. so when i ask “can you recall the smell of chlorine?”, can you really smell the real thing when you are recalling it? 

i cannot. 

but everytime i try to ask someone if they have the ability to do it, i have so much difficulty in expressing what i really mean that i often distrust their answers. often, people tell me “yes i can!” but i remain skeptical. i think that is incredibly arrogant and ignorant of me to do that only because i cannot do the same thing, but more often than not, the amazement inevitably makes me wonder if they really understand what i am trying to convey. this particular recall is very specific, it is not the recall of your memory of it. it is almost like reconstructing the smell in its entirety using only your imagination to the point that you can smell it right under your nose, even though it is not there.  

sigh.

i wonder how js and wy are doing. fb is just a disappointment nowadays. 

anyway, just the other day, i had another thought which was pretty creepy. i am not really religious or anything, but i cannot unequivocally doubt the existence of afterlife. thus i sometimes think – assuming there is an afterlife, the many unanswered questions i have in this life would probably be answered. (i have no proof of this, but let  us just assume this for a while.) so technically, death would bring about answers to everything in this world. like about reality, perfection, beauty, religion and stuff. 

sometimes, i want the answers so badly. [I AM NOT SUICIDAL, i just think wouldn't it be cool to have the answers?]

but then i think, if i get the answers, i would probably want to make sure everyone living in this world knows too. and since we still don’t know, afterlife-ers probably do not get the chance to come back and give the answers. so i guess it probably would not be as nice to have the answers but not be able to tell anyone. 

maybe this would turn out to be an effective way to dissuade a suicidal person.

reciprocal swing

strangely awkward at the dance now,

never knew how i ever managed it in the first place. 

i guess i am stuck with it,

for life.

leaves trickle

school has started for about 1.5 weeks, things are starting to get settled while i’m starting to feel a little afraid. perhaps it is the work load, or perhaps it is the subject matter, but i have never really seen a subject as really daunting. which now i kind of do. i guess back in singapore, i could always somehow avoid doing the stuff that i did not really excel at, as much as i enjoy them. like choosing geography over literature. oh but then again there was history too. history was just something i really did not like.

evidence of that – yesterday when i did a psychology experiment and i had to memorise like more than 50 word pairs in a span of 5 minutes, i formed associations between the word pairs. and one of the word pairs were

“pest – history”

haha well that was an easy one. 

this semester, i am taking one “history” class (no idea why it is called south east asian studies) and one “literature” class (another no idea why it is called near eastern studies). and coincidentally, both classes allocate 20% – 25% of the course grades for class participation. in singapore, i never had the problem of speaking up in class. but the funny thing was that the only reason why i spoke up often in class was because no one else was speaking up in class. and thus i usually speak up because i did not want my teacher to feel awkward. 

but those entirely flew right out of the window here, since everyone in class always seem to have something to say. and then i feel dirty cause i just get the idea that i have to say something if not i will not be able to get my desired grades. i just find it so hard, trying to compete for the attention of the teacher, it makes me feel fake. 

which also leads me to the thought that i am kind of struggling through days in school. yes, hanging out with joy and justine is really great and everything, but they are not with me in class. though i’m totally ”alone but not lonely” concept going on, it is sometimes nice to have someone to talk to and joke around with in lectures… like in rj. 

 i guess i should start talking to people around me. 

oh dear,

identity crisis!

i had a really weird-guilty dream last night. 

mirror prince

i remember the first time that i realised the concept of “theory of mind”. well obviously i was not brilliant enough to then promptly name it as “theory of mind”, but sometimes i think i seem to have some autistic symptoms, especially since i only discovered “theory of mind” perhaps in primary four. 

anyway. “theory of mind” in short is the idea that we have the idea that people around us have a mind, and they may perhaps have very different perspectives, ideas and likings from us. leaving aside the philosophical argument that people around us may not actually have a mind and that the assumption that they do have a mind is merely out of convenience and perhaps reason, humans often realise naturally that people around them may not always agree with their views or interests. 

so back to when i discovered this concept. when i was in primary school, i loved reading archie comics (they were really good then, now they are just not funny anymore.) so for those who did not have a childhood, the gist of archie comics is that there is this clueless/popular guy called archie who goes to riverdale high school with veronica and betty. betty is the typical girl next door who likes archie a lot, and always helps him with his homework and stuff, while veronica is the rich girl who archie is madly in love with. veronica is mean. archie is kind of confused too cause sometimes it seems like he likes betty. 

but anyway, all the years i read archie in the prehistoric times, i assumed that everyone loves betty. i mean like, what else is there not to love about her, especially since veronica is so mean. and therefore i concluded that everyone hates veronica. 

and then the internet came along. archie comics started to have this text on the cover page “www.archiecomics.com”. one fateful day with too much time on my hands, i visited the website. 

there were fans of veronica.

fled bleeding

finally had the inclination to blog, it has been some time i last felt that way. and as always, it happens when i’m bathing. sounds kind of weird, but bathing time has always been my thinking time. most of the times, i’m thinking so much that i forget what i have done and what i have not. oh wells no harm soaping more than once haha. come to think of it, maybe the reason why i hardly blogged in usa was that i played music while i bathed – stopped me from thinking i guess.

2008 went by, i realised i didn’t make my usual dec 31 or jan 1 entry. oh maybe that’s why gerous stopped by on new years’ day. but then i didn’t blog. but now i shall! 2008 was remarkably different from the many years before. before 2008, life was made up of schooling years (at least of those that i can remember) that almost became a routine; study exam X 4, with the exam at the end being the biggest one. but 2008, i worked at pathlight, and then went to usa – a completely new experience.

many other things happened along the way too, often i wonder how long more the hurt will last.

friends stopped blogging, (js why did you stop blogging!) and i think the only one among those i read regularly who continued blogging is xinyang. perhaps it is the new phase of life, but i think the more likely reason is that most of them have migrated to facebook. even for myself, i think i stopped blogging partially because i was tempted by facebook. uploading photos that let people know what i have been doing, who i have been meeting and where i have been going. i hardly even did that when i blogged regularly, cause i hate reading blogs that merely described these events.

perhaps now i realise that facebook is hardly the right avenue for me to express my thoughts. but now you think, but i could always blog on facebook too! … facebook forces things on people, almost as if the entire point of writing a note was to make sure people read it. well i think i still prefer the “traditional” blogging way, where there is less voyeurism cause it is not that readily accessible. yes, it’s on my facebook profile but who would bother to click the “info” tab? yes, it’s on my msn nick but who would bother to copy-paste the address? with the rise of facebook, random people do not stop by my blog, and so i have a pretty good idea about who my readers are, and i am okay with who they are too. 

maybe i shall start weaning off facebook.