counter service
as another set of my friends get into a relationship, it suddenly struck me that the union of two people is such a special thing. i was weirdly happy for them, though it is not as if i brought them together or something. there is no doubt that maintaining a relationship is hard, but i think even starting a relationship is an uphill battle. finding someone you like, and then finding that someone who likes you back, and having to deal with all the teasing and gossip of your friends around you, wow i think for it to happen at all is one amazing process that i feel the people in the relationship should treasure.
throughout my conversations with the people around me (more like my incessant questioning of their thoughts), i learnt that people often have a term “non-serious relationships”… questioning this makes me feel like a judgmental person, so i never really pursued what it really means until today while talking to another friend. he said “non-serious relationships” were kind of like a relationship that you enter without really thinking of marriage – that made sense to me as i really do hold the idea that dating is for the eventual goal of marriage. but off the top of my head i think i can already imagine more than 10 of my friends shaking their heads at me, as most people tend to see relationships as companionship… it does not really have to have a destination. well i guess no one ever really enters a relationship thinking you will marry this person since that’s just weird – if you already think so then there is no need to test! but i feel that there must be at least this idea that you are looking for marriage eventually and not just for the companionship. if so, you could just be really good friends, no? hm but it is complicated since perhaps marriage today may no longer be what it was yesterday.
but i still had the “huh why is it a non-serious relationship? when you were in it, didn’t you think that you really really really like the person?” judging it as “non-serious” seems to be more of hindsight bias than anything. i just think opportunities are so hard to come by, and time only travels in one direction – people should perhaps cherish them just a bit more. i am not saying that i am good at cherishing, just like how an art critic does not profess to draw better than the artist – in fact i am just plain horrendous at cherishing people. but i feel that when one agrees to commit, there should be something beyond the here and now.
anyway i learnt today that i am a very scary person. not only scary, but scary in a weird way. oh wells.
and well while i continue to gaze at the back of the person with #67.
6 comments June 24, 2009
mascara drip fly
just two days ago, my friend was ranting to me about his absurd room mate, telling me about his various annoying habits and what not. some of these habits were really ridiculous, and i had to agree with him about why some people are just so weird. which kind of reminds me that i was incredibly fortunate to have met joy as my room mate over the last 2 semesters, we were really similar and kind of understood each other, leading to an lovely first year at berkeley for me. but something else that my friend was ranting to me about struck me too, about how his room mate still thinks of himself as an amazing room mate, and is completely oblivious to the fact that my friend hates him to the core. two things were really interesting to me – 1. why we can be so completely blind to our own flaws, and 2. the disparity between how others see us and how we see ourselves.
why are we so incapable of seeing what is wrong with us? i think many would probably agree with me that it is not that we are incapable, but because we don’t want to. but then again, since this is once again a fault, i doubt anyone would agree with me afterall. haha. our self-image is something that vital is to our continued journey in this world – it gives us confidence and boost our self-esteem. we like to see ourselves as perhaps someone who is better than who we are really are. i am not saying that there is anything wrong with this – confidence in your life and actions is one thing while arrogance is another. in order to maintain our self-image, it then becomes easy for us to magnify our strengths and minimize the times that we notice our flaws.
then again, there is also the fundamental attribution error, whereby we attribute others’ flaws to their disposition, while at the same time attributing our flaws to the situation – when we are late for a gathering with our friends, it is because something came up or the train was packed; when our friends are late, it is because they are just naturally lazy and always want to get on our nerves. so in the same sense, it is not that we are incapable of seeing the flaws, or that we don’t want to see the flaws, it is that we just do not see them as flaws!
sometimes, i think it is really scary to find out that there is such a great difference in how people around see you and how you see yourself. this knowledge makes me feel insecure, kind of like unrequited love? you think that you are projecting this image that is acceptable to your friends, but in actuality, your friends see a completely different image that may not be acceptable to them at all, but they are just too nice/mean to say it to your face.
so at times, when my friends are ranting to me about their friends, i think to myself – is this a sneaky way of telling me that this are the things that i do as well?
i definitely hope not.
6 comments June 22, 2009
bloat thoughts
like a jigsaw piece that fell into the wrong box
wish i could write more
never thought it would come to this
perhaps it was indeed the wrong decision
sometimes i wish i could just return
to the comfort and security
too old
too overthinking it
too unfriendly
too out of the loop
thought i would not mind
like a jigsaw that fell into the wrong box
2 comments May 12, 2009
fly crying
General Templer was a hands-on manager and was famous for flying to trouble spots. Sometimes his chastising of the villagers had humorous consequences. Noel Barber mentions such a case after a guerrilla ambush caused Templer to immediately fly to the nearest village where he harangued the collected inhabitants:
“You’re a bunch of bastards,” shouted Templer; and Rice, who spoke Chinese, listened carefully as the translator announced without emotion: “His Excellency informs you that he knows that none of your mothers and fathers were married when you were born.”
Templer waited, then, pointing a finger at the astonished villagers to show them who was the “Tuan,” added “You may be bastards, but you’ll find out that I can be a bigger one.” Missing the point of the threat completely, the translator said politely, “His Excellency does admit, however, that his father was also not married to his mother.”
been doing some research on the Malayan emergency. this anecdote made me chuckle. lol.
Add comment April 17, 2009
water tickle
ah i forgot something i wanted to say
complainers irritate me
Add comment April 10, 2009
paranoia white
work is settling in, but feeling increasingly unsettled this few weeks leading up to the finals. perhaps i did set my bar too high in the first semester, but i refuse to believe that i will be taken down so easily. yes, i do admit it is hard, i feel a lot less in control this semester than last semester. but it has always been like this when it comes to humanities, at least i feel my good friends have always agreed with me about the fact that when you do arts – you usually have no idea how well you did in the essays or exams, unlike sciences – there is a clear cut answer. well anyway perservere i must.
been playing badminton for about 2 months now i should think. i really like it! anyway it was during badminton that i came across a certain idea. it seems to me that there are some people who readily undergo the process of “sizing up” when they meet new people, while other people do not. but the dichotomy yet does not seem so clear cut. it seems to me that there might be 3 different categories:
1. sizing up comes naturally – and they act on these processes
2. sizing up comes naturally – and they do not act on these processes
3. sizing up is out of sight out of mind
well in this case it brings up the problem of behavioral psychology – can behaviors really tell us about the thought processes of people? at most, we can only hazard a guess. ["essentializing" is my new favorite hated word.]
right. so to put it in context – you would see these categories clearly when playing badminton at berkeley. so the way badminton works in berkeley is that in a week, there are 3 days with courts open for badminton. you can not book the courts or anything like that, so basically the asian population swarms the badminton court during the period when the courts are open specifically for badminton. but the thing is there are only 6 courts. and another thing is that the berkeley badminton team trains during the same time and well pro skill people do not waste their time with recreational people. what people usually do is to split a court into half, so 2 pairs can play on one court at each time. (not a game, just each pair taking a vertical half.) alternatively, you could challenge 2 pairs playing a game by “calling” cause if you win then you get to stay on the court. and i shall stop here before i actually poison the well.
so going back to the concept of sizing up – i definitely fall into category 1. the first time i entered the badminton courts – even as a beginner, i sized up people. the world of badminton in berkeley became categorized and structured – these are people i can play with, and these are people i cannot play with cause i am noob. and i definitely will not “call” on in a game that i am no fight at all to the pair; i would not want to waste their time!
but soon i noticed, especially among the asian americans – they do not seem to operate in this way! they are unembarrassed and regardless of their skill level, they would just “call” in on games even though the skill difference may be really great. so i wonder if it is because “sizing up” just does not come naturally do them, or do they just not care in general?
was it because of our culture/society that had resulted in this difference?
i cannot say rightaway which method of operation is better, i should think sizing up reduces embarrassment but then it means you lose many opportunities.
well then it led me to think about theory of mind again – it is true that not everyone has the same perceptions and feelings – but are there universals?
3 comments April 10, 2009
